Co-Dependency, Fear, and Love

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love" (1 Jn. 4:18 NASB).

I was honored to be a part of a round table discussion recently with some awesome men and women of God, true world-class people.  As we were discussing co-dependency in ministry (I was mostly listening, pretty much blown away by the cumulative wisdom in the room), 1 John 4:18 became so clear in my mind.

Co-dependency is a relationship of control, and is born of fear.  The one who controls is afraid of losing the relationship, so the grip tightens.  In ministry, this can be seen in the pastor who brow-beats his people for missing a Sunday or for not volunteering in the soup kitchen, or guilt-tripping the congregation into tithing.  We see co-dependency in romantic relationships, like the girl who gets away from one abuser only to find herself with another; we see it in the classic "henpecked" husband.  The common thread is the fear of loss.

But freedom is born of love.  Just as darkness vanishes in the presence of light, so fear vanishes in the presence of love.  Could this be why the dying man calls his loved ones close as his breath grows shallow?  Is it because fear of the unknown is dispelled by the very presence of those he loves?  And this is only familial love!

If storge (familial) love is so powerful, how much more powerful is agape, or perfect, "God love!"  To be perfected in love is to be free from all fear.  It is to know, in the middle of the worst situations in life, that we can release all control and trust in the Almighty, the One who IS Love!  It is the power to say, "I love you, whether you love me back or not" (not the same as a free pass to us me as a doormat or a punching bag).  It is the power to release others from duty-based performance, and to release them to first receive God's love, then to love others through their own gifts.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God" (1 Jn. 4:7 NASB).


Davina