The Mask of a Happy Little AGPK

I tried to “get saved” until I was 46 years old.

You see, being raised in the Bible Belt-Buckle, in a strict works-based society, I believed that if I slipped up and said a cuss-word, or had a bad thought, or did something even worse, and I died before I asked forgiveness, that I would spend my eternity in hell.  I tried and tried.  I really did.  I tried to be good.  But I failed.  Miserably.  Every single time.

One sunny afternoon – I was about 12 years old – I couldn’t find any of my family (with seven of us, which was very odd!).  Mother?  Dad?  Nowhere to be found.  Sisters?  Brothers?  Nope.  Everyone was at work, gone to town, or just running around somewhere on the farm.  But I was convinced that the rapture had taken place – that Jesus had come back, taken all of them, and had left me alone.

A similar instance happened when I was at my Granny’s house, one summer evening, when she, my mom, and sisters were all gone out doing a little shopping.  I had no interest in going with them, so I stayed at the house.  They were gone a little too long, and I, again, began to question if I had been “left behind.”

I was in torment.  Always underlying, always in the back of my mind, in my subconscious if not my conscious, was the thought that at any moment I could be sealed to a fate of everlasting torment.  And I didn’t know how to fix it.  That’s a big burden for a 12-year-old.

Things didn’t get any better for me as an adult.  In fact, they got worse.  Again, try as I would, I just couldn’t “be good.”  I had a wild streak.  The baby of five children, and always feeling like a misfit, I lived out my wildness for a while, and then I started “trying” again.

And all this time I wore the mask of a happy little AGPK (Assembly of God Preacher’s Kid).  I was good at pretending.  I knew how to ACT.  I knew how to TALK.  But I still didn’t know how to fix my heart.

Jafar, Disney's Aladdin, 1992

My problem wasn’t due to a lack of teaching, preaching, childhood family dinners, or anything else at which we normally like to point fingers.  No, my problem was bad Theology.  To me, God was a big mean guy with unbridled power, and an angry streak 10 miles wide, who was ready to zap me any moment I messed up - kind of like Aladdin’s Jafar, when he attained all the Genie’s power – only worse.

Long story short, on April 8, 2011, I was saved at a women’s conference in Southlake, Texas.  I was saved from trying.  I was saved from the power of sin over me.  I WAS RADICALLY SAVED, AND I KNEW IT!!

What changed?  Everything!!

For one thing, I gave up.  I stopped trying to BE good.  I cannot BE something I am not.  And I will never BE good.  Jesus said, “…there’s no one good, but God alone” (Matt. 19:17).  I recognized the Good-ness of God, and received that as my own.  It was that simple.  Remember, the Old Testament priest never examined the man, but the lamb.  It was the Lamb, who had to be perfect, not the man!

After that moment, I began to the conversion process.  It's like this:  At the moment of salvation, I received a new system, with all-new software!  (Paul called it being a “new creature” – 2 Cor. 5:17.)  But all my files (my thoughts), which had been running on the old system with all its old software, had to be converted.  This is a process, sometimes a very long process!  Paul speaks of the necessity of renewing the mind, or psyche (Rom. 12:2).  I was saved from hell in an instant.  I am being saved, continually, from my personal hell, a little at a time.

*"Prince of Peace," Akaine Kramarik

The good news, and the point of this writing, is that even when I mess up, even when I sin, He is still good.  He still loves.  He still gives.  It is His nature.  Even when I am faithless, He remains faithful (2 Ti. 2:13)!  (Yes, He IS a Good, Good Father, Chris Tomlin!)

Let me sum it up with my favorite Bible passage of all time: 

I HAVE BEEN SAVED BY GRACE THROUGH FAITH!

IT’S NOT OF MYSELF, IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD.

NOT AS A RESULT OF WORKS, SO I CAN’T BRAG ABOUT IT.

FOR I AM HIS WORKMANSHIP,

CREATED IN CHRIST JESUS FOR GOOD WORKS,

WHICH GOD PREPARED BEFOREHAND

SO THAT I WOULD WALK IN THEM.

Eph. 2:8-10

The knowledge and acceptance of His grace in my life, takes ALL the burden for my salvation off me, and puts it on The One who already paid the debt!!  Why would I try to pay a bill that’s already cleared?!  No way!  I KNOW I’m saved!  I’m not trying to make it to Heaven.  I’m already there.  

Peace,

Davina

*https://www.akiane.com/about